These Witches Give Me Nightmares

According to this article in Stylist UK, Sigourney Weaver would like to be queen of everything for a day. Presiding over the citizens of the world from a greenhouse, Queen Sigourney’s main objectives would be to save the oceans, banish bigotry, and rule alone (because, according to her, women are better at “team building”). In addition to these decrees, Queen Sigourney wants her adoring public to know that she is actually very nice. She even goes so far as to refer to herself as “a pussycat!”

Well, that’s all fine and good, but I can’t be fooled. While I’m willing to acknowledge that Sigourney Weaver has a pussy, I tend to think of her as more of a witch.

How could I think this? Just look at her picture and then compare it to her photo from the 1997 Snow White movie. It’s clear that the creepy crone in the latter image is living just beneath the skin. Maybe it’s just me, but neither of these pictures seem to plead “save the sea turtles.” I’ve always gotten more of an “I want to eat your children,” kind of vibe from her.

This dread of witches dates back to when I was a kid. Ever since I saw the movie The Witches, and read the novel of the same name by Roald Dahl, Witches (or lets say creepy looking older women), have always both fascinated and scared the shit out of me.

In my adult life, having dated a woman who was a lot older than myself, I suppose this could be interpreted as some kind of psychological issue I have. All the same; whenever I see certain kinds of older women, that is, ones who look really psychotic or demented, I am filled with equal parts terror and awe.

So, with this in mind, here are four such women whom I’ve often suspected of witchery.

Though she was known in her day as somewhat of a Hollywood starlet, Piper Laurie aged into roles that were much more witchy in nature. In Carrie, her portrayal as a religious maniac dwelling in an ordinary suburb was very convincing, and still prevents me from opening the door to any church lady, ever. Whenever I leave the bathroom, I’m certain she’s standing outside of it, ready to stab me in the back with a kitchen knife. She also succeeded in making me scared of closets.

Years before that rhinestone covered rag doll, Gaga was mugging for attention with the gays by insisting she was “born this way,” Diamanda Galas was the one true hag of the fags. Not only does she look like Morticia Addams with a crack habit, but the avant-garde opera singer has a demonically possessed voice as well. With a three and a half octave vocal range, Galas can conjure some sounds that probably exist only in the depths of Hell. Even the people who don’t like her music would likely agree. Though she is famous for her AIDS activism, she’s also said that she hates liberals, and dissed the Live Aid concert by telling Axl Rose to suck her ass. That might make her the best witch on this list.

Like Galas, Jarboe is a witchy songwriter. Most remembered for her work during the 80’s with the bleak post-punk outfit Swans, she has since recorded solo material in which she does a good deal of snarling and growling. Her singing voice is equally haunting. Kind of like the last thing you hear before you off yourself. I once knew a guy who, after eating a lot of acid and attending a show of hers in Seattle, tried to do just that. (He is dead now, though not on account of the Jarboe incident.) Sometimes, when I’m trying to sleep, one of her songs will show up on my iTunes playlist shuffle, and I’ll get up out of bed just to switch the track. I should probably just remove her from the playlist. Here she is below, sporting an S&M diaper/chastity belt thing she had designed just for herself.

Lastly. I am including Susan Sarandon too. Not much to say about that, since at this point, her true nature is widely known. I merely submit the following for official photo documentation.

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