My guest today is the devilishly handsome Richie C_____. He and I worked together at Borders Books in Chicago. He was the manager on duty when American film actress Jennifer Connelly came into the store as a customer. We’re here today to discuss that experience.
Hello, Richie. Welcome to my blog.
Is it okay if I sit near the window? I don’t like to sit near the door. It gives me anxiety.
Sure. Anywhere you like.
Would you prefer I call you Rich, Richie, or something else?
Please call me Employee Number 003804022. It’s more professional.
Employee Number 003804022, can you please describe how you heard that Jennifer Connelly was in the store? What was the first thought that entered your mind?
The Borders was a flagship store located in a touristy area, and lot of celebrities shopped there. Whenever one did, the staff would start whispering to one another. It only took seconds before every employee knew that a Hollywood personality was thumbing through our merchandise.
I remember the Connelly episode specifically. I was at my desk, working on sales audit paperwork. One of my co-workers stuck his head into my office and mentioned that the actress from G.I. Jane was in the store.
I immediately relocated to our multimedia department.
This was a giant bookstore. What made you go to the multimedia section?
You know what? Can I move? I’m getting a draft from this window and it’s a little cold.
Sure. Why don’t you sit over there?
No. No. That spot’s even closer to the door than the first seat you gave me.
How about you and I just switch? I’ll take the window seat and you can sit at my desk.
Are you sure?
Okay. Thank you.
So… Back to the interview: What made you go to the multimedia section?
Now I feel bad. That was rude of me. I shouldn’t make you sit near the draft. You should go back to your desk. It’s your desk, after all. I’ll sit near the door.
I thought that you said that you didn’t want to sit there.
I don’t. Doors freak me out. But I have Lorazepam in my bag. I’ll just take a few pills and I’ll be fine. I’m going to move over there.
Go on with your questions.
You’re okay? You’re situated and everything?
Yeah. I’m good. I’m sorry. The pills take a few minutes to kick in. But I could handle it. Thanks.
No worries. So I was wondering why you looked for her in the multimedia section. That store was huge.
Yeah. It was a large store. Four flights of merchandise. 120 employees. That store was a monster.
So, again, what made you go straight to the multimedia department? How did you know that’s where she’d be?
Because she’s an actress.Throughout my years at Borders, every actor or actress that walked into the store only looked at DVDs or Blu Ray movies. The sole exception was when Ron Howard bought a travel guide. But he’s more of a director than an actor anyway. I mean, he acts. But he’s primarily a director.
Anyway, so I went to the multimedia section, and there she was, just a few feet away from me: Jennifer Connelly.
Was she alone?
No. The blonde guy from the movie Legion was there. Some other equally unimportant man was there too, some dude wearing an ugly jacket.
Were either of the men “with” her?
I don’t think so.
Hypothetically… Do you think a girl like that would go for a guy like me?
Maybe. You have swag. Women like that. I’d just advise that you don’t mention your Hulk Hogan pillow until after the two of you “seal the deal.”
Noted. When you saw her, did you consciously try to hide yourself? Or was it more like shameless stalking?
It was somewhere in-between. I did have actual work to do in the multimedia department, but I hadn’t planned to do it until much later in the day. When I heard that Connelly was in the store, I rearranged my task schedule so that I’d have an excuse to see her.
What was it like being in close distance to her?
I had used the word stunning to describe beautiful people before, but until I saw Connelly, I had never actually experienced it. I remember that I walked past the actress, glancing at her, trying to be cool and nonchalant. Then I made eye contact with her and my legs stopped. They just stopped. My body stopped moving I stared into her eyes, helpless. Her eyes were extraordinary. They were so beautiful. Larger than life. They almost seemed inhuman. In that brief moment, as our eyes connected, I felt like our souls spoke to one another. Mine saying, “I love you,” and hers responding, “Leave me alone, freak.”
You said her eyes were inhuman. Do you think her eyes would fall into the animal category? Or was it more of an extra-terrestrial type of look?
This doesn’t really answer your question, but I’m envious of animals that have nictitating membranes. How cool would it be to be able to see through your eyelids?
I so fucking wish that I was a shark sometimes.
Why did you not walkie me to tell me that Jennifer Connelly was in the store? Was I not working? Or did you think I would try and expose myself to her? Its ok you can be honest.
Well, Max, after the Winona Ryder incident, I thought it’d be best to keep you in the dark.
You just reminded me that I need to see if my probation officer could reschedule Thursday’s meeting. Don’t you think it would be cool if we had upside down escalators like the M.C. Escher looking staircases in the movie Labyrinth? I feel like Jennifer’s people should have let us know she was coming so we could install those.
I’m glad that they didn’t, honestly. I worked in a department store in Ohio that had those staircases. They were a bitch to vacuum.
What was Jennifer Connelly purchasing? Do you remember?
She bought something like three DVDs, but I don’t remember the titles. I do remember that she did not get a Borders Rewards card, the loyalty card that the company was relying on to support its business. Two years after she refused to get the Borders Rewards card, the company filed for Chapter 11. I’m not saying that it was Jennifer Connelly’s fault that Borders went bankrupt, but… you know… there is a correlation.
Can I have a glass of water? These pills made my throat scratchy.
No. I got what I need. This interview is over.